Tuesday, September 6, 2016

When I Don't Know What to Say

Today hurts.

Almost every morning Steele and I go through his morning routine which always begins with breakfast, then stretching, and then a walk in the walker. While we do his stretching we read a devotional from his Veggie Tales devotional book, and then say our daily affirmations. Those affirmations end with Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." This morning started like most mornings. He ate pancakes, did his stretching, joked around with me, and talked about dinosaurs.

Then everything got hard. I put Steele in his walker with his tall boots on like I always do and I could tell his attitude was different. He walked a couple steps with my help and then he said it. "I wish I could walk, momma". He has made comments about not being able to walk several times in his life, but it has always been very matter-of-fact and there was no sadness about it. This morning was different. He looked at me and through tears said, "I wish I could walk, momma". It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was hunched over helping pull his walker along when he said it, and I dropped to my knees in front of him when he said that. I said, "you are walking baby". And his response hurt worse. He said "No, its hard for me. I wish I could walk like Adalyn and Shepard (his cousins) without the walker. I wish God made me to walk like they walk". Crushed.

In the past when Steele has made comments about walking or not walking I have been able to swallow the huge lump in my throat and encourage him and talk to him without tears. The tears always come later. But today hurt. I cried as I told him I was sorry. I told him that I don't know why I was made the way I was made, or why he was made the way he was made. But I told him that I was sure of one thing. God has plans for his life, and they are plans for GOOD. God loves him and has amazing things in store for him.

So why write about this so early this morning? Well, as I have been scrolling through facebook lately I have seen so many posts like "Got the job. God is good", or "so and so is feeling much better. God is good", and even "we were able to pay such and such bill. God is good." Please don't get me wrong or misunderstand me. We have said and posted similar things-ALOT. But God has been working on my heart lately to realize that He is ALWAYS good. So this morning, He has given me an opportunity. Steele is not completely healed from SMA- God is good. I don't know what to say in those moments- God is good. Steele is hurting, and therefore so am I, because he was made and created with different abilities- God is still good.

We have an amazing singer at our church and one of my favorite songs she sings is called When I Don't Know What To Do. I just keep hearing her voice sing that song over and over in my head this morning. Part of the song says, "When I don't know what to do, I'll lift my hands. When I don't know what to say, I'll speak your praise. When I don't know where to go, I'll run to your throne. When I don't know what to think, I'll stand on your truth, when I don't know what to do." That pretty much sums up where I am at this moment. I don't know what to do, so I will praise Him and remember He is STILL good.

Thank you all for reading and supporting us. I could really use your prayers, and I know Steele could too.

God is good.